How to Ask a Girl Out

Posted on August 12, 2010 by Harry

Many guys don’t know how to ask girls out.

It’s hard, and I’d be the first to admit it.

But with my tips to success, your nervous days are over.

Here’s how to do it.

Step 1: Walk over to the girl with a limp like Snoop Dogg. A bit like an estranged Zebra has nibbled on your left leg.

Biting Zebra

Step 2: Make sure you’ve applied a heavy dose of Axe beforehand. Girls like a scrumptious smelling man.

Step 3: If she eyes you walking towards her, slick your hair back and perform a little twirl. She’ll go nuts!

Step 4: Once your are about 2 meters away from her, dramatically drop your wallet. As you come back up from picking it up, flick your head back and stroke your stomach, revealing your 7 pack.

Step 5: It’s now time to go in for the kill. Get close enough to taste her and lean on the nearest thing you can find.

Step 6: In a soft voice, say “Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.”

Step 7: With a pickup line as ominous as that, there is no way she will be able to turn you down now.

You’ve done it. Give yourself a pat on the arm.

Posted in How-to | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

The Real Meanings Behind Popular Excuses

Posted on August 9, 2010 by Harry

Excuses

People make a lot of excuses.

And what the recipients of these excuses don’t realize is that the excuses actually contain hidden messages.

But do not worry, people. Mr. Lewis, the great (and super scandalous) de-coder is here to help.

Below, I have listen the top 5 over-used excuses and have provided their hidden meanings.

Bite me.

1. What they say: “It’s not you, It’s me.”

What they actually mean: “Actually, it is you. You smell like Queen Latifa on a Sunday morning; and quite frankly, your toast tastes like a dead possum that’s been regurgitated by a human baby.”

2. What they say: “I don’t have time to exercise.”

What they mean: “Actually. I have all the time in the world. But I would much prefer to watch Oprah tell a 7 year old how to tie his velcro shoes while I manically munch on eight big macs, while also simultaneously stroking my pet llama Steve. Ya dig?”

3. What they say: “It’s far too dangerous!”

What they mean: “Okay, so I know knitting isn’t as dangerous as I am making it out to be, but I’d rather watch Jimmy Neutron.”

4. What they say: “He started it!”

What they mean: “He DID start it. But I finished it. And that blood on the floor IS his. But I’m not so sure about that cracker.”

5. What they say: “My dog ate my homework.”

What they mean: “I was too stoned last night to actually do the homework. So, in a concise and orderly manner, I shoved the book down my dogs throat and enticed him to crap it out with methods of which I will not disclose. But yeah.”

SO there you have it! Mr. Lewis has de-coded the most sought out excuses in the industry.

You’ll thank me later.

Posted in Posts | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

The Internet Is Mean

Posted on August 8, 2010 by Harry

I was surfing the internet today and was like “Hey! I should go on Facebook!”

Like an innocent Iguana, I typed in Facebook’s address and this is what I saw:

Mean Facebook

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Facebook was totally kicking ass in the “meanie pants” category!

I guess Mark Zuckerberg got tired of being such a goodie two shoes.

So. After logging into Facebook and stalking a few kids, I decided it was time to watch some videos on YouTube.

And this is what came up:

Mean YouTube

YouTube was doing the same damn thing!

I really don’t know what’s gotten into these social companies lately…

I guess they put Snoop D-Oh-Double-G in charge of things.

Snoop D-Oh-Double-G

Posted in Posts | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

The 10 Best Things to do When You Are Bored

Posted on August 7, 2010 by Harry

Today I had one of the most boringestest days in the history of my life.

To make a short story long, I didn’t do much.

The time I spent in the womb twiddling with my umbilical cord was probably more entertaining then today was.

So, in an attempt to help all of you who may also be experiencing this level of boredom, I have compiled a list of the 10 best things to do when you are bored.

Here it is:

1. Smack a baby. I’m serious. This is legit. Run up to an infant and smack it upside the head.

2. Have an intellectual conversation with your right nipple. Tell it things that even Ghandi has not a clue about.

3. Eat oatmeal with a $100 bill.

4. Suit up in a soccer jersey and slide tackle people in a mall.

5. Buy someone on Ebay. Keep them in a cage.

6. Let your inner Beyonce run rampant.

7. Call the president and purr. He might rub you.

8. Nibble on a cactus while listening to the Glee soundtrack

9. Tell a joke about a cornflake that had diarrhea before a rock concert.

10. Read my blog.

Well there you have it. There are 47 other ones I could have told you, but I don’t think you would have been able to handle them.

Posted in Posts | Tagged , , | 10 Comments